This Just In: Anne Rice is as Important as She Thinks She Is

A few years ago author Anne Rice returned to Catholicism. Now, in the last week or two news has come that she's backing out of Christianity altogether ... well, except for Christ.

Yeah, I didn't think it was that big a deal either so didn't comment, although of the many bloggers who mentioned it, I think that Brandywine Books said it most succinctly.

However, for our reading pleasure, a la The Onion's brand of satire, Carl Olson at Insight Scoop writes a side-splitter of an article about the consequences of Rice's actions. Here's the beginning to get you started. (Via The Daily Kraken.)

ROME, AUGUST 10, 2010 (WYT) — A growing number of anonymous Vatican officials are confirming the shocking news that the Catholic Church will be shutting its doors worldwide within the next few weeks. The worldwide institution, allegedly founded by an obscure Jewish carpenter in the first century, will cease to exist completely, a move that could affect the lives of thousands, even millions, of people.

Although the reasons for this surprising action are many and complex, several insiders are pointing to Anne Rice's recent Facebook announcement that she is leaving Christianity as a crucial factor. "The Pope realized, after reading Ms. Rice's powerful statements online, that the game was up," admitted one high-ranking Cardinal, who insists that although the news will likely upset many Catholics, most people should have seen it coming.

"Look, let's be honest," he says, sitting in his office, wearing a polo shirt and drinking a martini, "Rice called our bluff. For centuries we thought it was enough to say, 'Believe in Christ. Come to Church. Be good. Do what you're told.' But when Rice wrote that she was remaining committed to Christ while no longer being part of Christianity..." He took a long drink and stared wistfully at a signed picture of Pope John Paul II on his wall. "...that was powerful. None of us here had ever heard of or considered such a thing."

He acknowledged that the Vatican public relations machine had once again made a major error in how it addressed—or didn't address—Ms. Rice's explosive remarks, which have been viewed by thousands of people. "It's ironic, I suppose," he said, "that a Church that essentially established and saved Western civilization, founded the first universities, help bring about modern science, produced the greatest art and music know to mankind, built hospitals and orphanages around the world, and helped save the souls of countless millions has been unable to respond to accusations of being homophobic, misogynist, narrow-minded, hateful, bigoted, and lousy at writing hymns in a folk-rock style." He paused as if trying to decide whether or not to make another martini. "I know some die-hard believers will say, 'Hey, what about Augustine and Thomas Aquinas and Leo XII? What about the libraries filled with books of philosophy, theology, philosophy, and more? Well, really, who's paying attention to that these days?" ...